Choice

Our lives have often been described as a walk, a path and even a race. These are good metaphors because during our life’s journey we experience highs and lows and many twists of fate. Unfortunately though many times in life we stumble and fall.

Like they say it is not the number of times we fall, but rather the number of times we get up that counts.

When we do fall, hopefully we are surrounded by friends and loved ones that can help us get back onto our feet in times of need. Knowing that we may be in need of help someday ourselves, we in turn are often eager to reach out a helping hand to those around us who are in need. I know I have been blessed with the love and support of my family and others in my life and in turn want to be of service to them in any way I can.

Our capacity for compassion and care for those in need is truly remarkable and has allowed our species to rise to the top of the food chain. We could not have survived without our tribes as hunter-gatherers. We are hard-wired to be social creatures and being isolated can have devastating effects to a person’s quality and duration of their life.

In times of war or natural disasters, we come together to provide assistance in whatever ways we can. After 9/11 the country was unified after the terror attacks. People flooded to ground zero to offer whatever aid they could. Donations of blood and money typically peak after these tragedies occur.

During war, we offer our support to fallen soldiers and their families. In WWII, rationing and other forms of sacrifice were made to help the troops who were on the front line. The US Navy Seals have a code in which they leave no man behind – whether alive or dead. If one Navy SEAL falls the others come to their rescue, regardless of the potential cost to those attempting to retrieve their fallen comrade.

But what do we do when a person we love and care for is battling an addiction, particularly drugs and/or alcohol. How do we help them?

According to the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence, Inc, (NCADD) addiction is the nation’s number one health problem, “straining the economy, the health care system, the criminal justice system and threatens job security, public safety, marital and family life.” NCADD sates that 8% of the US population over 12-years of age has used an illegal drug in the past 3-days.

A member of my family suffers with addiction and recently relapsed. Their struggle and how to love them while providing what is best for them is a cross I bear.

I’ve seen the needle and the damage done
A little part of it in everyone
But every junkie’s like a settin’ sun.
-Neil Young

The Bible teaches us to love our neighbor as our selves and to practice forgiveness. Forgiving an addict is relatively easy for me as it is understandable how chemical dependence can occur. But how do I love them, when it turns out that the way I have shown this love could in fact be enabling them? That is my love may be aiding the addiction and not the person I love. Perhaps I have become too enmeshed in my loved one’s illness and in turn have become addicted to the addict’s issues.

The metaphor of the airplane oxygen masks comes in sometimes to help folks in dealing with a family member’s crisis. “You first put on your oxygen mask and then you can help the person beside you.” But ultimately if the plane is going to crash – you don’t want to be on the plane, regardless of who is sitting by you.

Part of the challenge for us who love a person with addiction is letting go for our need to protect them. We let go and let our loved one learn from their mistakes. We can’t keep our brother from the hard lessons they must learn. But when they are ready for help we can be there.

Unfortunately the addict often crashes and burns, hitting rock bottom as they say. A potentially redeeming aspect of this fall is that when a person is flat on the back, they can focus on God and his love.

God, or Higher Power in the 12-step recovery programs, is a key aspect for recovery from substance abuse. Releasing the addiction to their Higher Power and beginning to open up to recovery liberates the addicted person.

Meanwhile the addict and all who love them can benefit from the Serenity Prayer’s opening lines, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.”

Yes I am my brother’s keeper and my brother has an addiction. I trust that the same God that loves me and has guided me through struggle will be there to guide my brother through this time. I will do what I can – releasing the rest to God.

While a junkie may be like a setting sun in that we cant control their arc. We can, however, love them through the night that they may experience on their own so they may rise again tomorrow, shining more brightly. We can let go and let God take care of them, freeing us to be able lend a truly helping hand when the time is right.

Links

Drug Abuse and Addiction

http://psychcentral.com/lib/are-you-an-enabler/

http://www.al-anon.org/for-parents/item/600-i-m-putting-my-son-in-your-care

https://ncadd.org/for-the-media/alcohol-a-drug-information

It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters. –Epictetus

Once upon a time a man found out that he had cancer. After receiving his diagnosis from his doctor, the man left the office feeling dazed and confused. A surge of emotions gripped him as he walked towards his home. He wondered what would happen to him, his family and his friends if he were to die as a result of the disease. He kept replaying his doctor’s words in his mind and his imagination would take him away to some very frightening outcomes. He was completely engrossed in his thoughts as he shuffled home, oblivious to the world around him.

When he returned home he told his family about the news from the doctor and they reacted as you might expect, with tears and worried concern. Later that night the man was alone in the kitchen when his father, a cancer survivor himself, came in to speak with his son.

After hugging his son, the father told the son to please sit down while he show him a valuable lesson his own father had shown him many year ago after he had lost his job. The son reluctantly complied with his father’s request and watched as the old man took out 3-pots, filling them with water and then placing them on the stove. The father then took out an egg, a carrot and some coffee beans that he also grinded. The son, growing impatient said, “Dad I am not hungry. Don’t you understand what has happened to me?” The father slowly turned to his son and said, “I know you are not hungry for food, my son. What I am about to show you will nourish your soul.” The father then placed the egg, the carrot, and the coffee in the water filled pots and then proceeded to boil them all.

The son sat at the table, growing impatient with his elderly father’s demonstration while at the same time his thoughts became more anxious about the news he had received from his doctor.

After placing the egg and carrot on plates and then pouring the coffee into a small mug, the father returned to his son at the table presenting to him what he had just cooked. “Well what do you see?” the father asked. “A carrot and egg and some coffee”, said the son.

“Let’s look closer,” the father said and asked his son to feel the carrot, to peel the egg -shell and sip the coffee. As the son did these things the father said, “All of these things faced the same adversity, the boiling water. The carrot once hard and strong has become soft. The delicate fragile egg has hardened. Yet the coffee bean has changed the water into something magical and delicious.” The question for you my son is which of these are you going to be as we confront your diagnosis.”

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom – Victor Frankl

Life happens. Things don’t go our way and tragic events are also often part of the experience of being alive. Life can make a hard person soft – wearing them down and they in turn may wither. On the other hand life can toughen a person changing the once fragile heart into something hard. Still we have another way and that is to recognize the power to choose our response to circumstances. We can be a transformative agent that can change the environment itself and in that process make the world a better place.

Which will you choose?

Am I my brother's keeper?

Today's Menu